Feast on scraps

 

Fear of bliss - Bent 4 U - Sorry to myself - Sister blister - Offer -

Unprodigal daughter - Simple together - Purgatorying

 

1 Fear of bliss

 

My misery has enjoyed company

And although I have ached

I don't threaten anybody

Sometimes I feel more bigness than I've shared with you

Sometimes I wonder why I quell when I'm not required to

 

I've tried to be small I've tried to be stunted

I've tried roadblocks and all

My happy endings prevented

 

Sometimes I feel it's all just too big to be true

I sabotage myself for fear of what my bigness could do

 

Fear of bliss and fear of joyitude

Fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

 

I could be golden I could be glowing I could be freedom

But that could be boring

 

Sometimes I feel this is too scary to be true

I sabotage myself for fear of losing you

 

Fear of bliss and fear of joyitude

Fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

 

This talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down

Under the covers til the terror of the unknown is gone

 

I could be full I could be thriving I could be shining

Sounds isolating

 

Sometimes I feel this is too good to be true

I sabotage myself for fear of what my joy could do

 

Fear of bliss and fear of joyitude

Fear of bigness (and ensuing solitude?)

 

2 Bent 4 U

 

 

You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you

You're unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort

 

A million times in a million ways I will try to change you

A million months and a million days I'll try to somehow convince you

 

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I'm done

I have deferred to you and enabled you and I'm done

 

You're too young or you're too old or you're simply not inclined

You're asleep or you're withholding be that my cue to crave you

 

Several times in several ways I'll try to squeeze love from you

Several hours and several ways I'll feast on scraps thrown from you

 

I have bent for you and I've deprived for you and I'm done

I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I'm done

I have stifled for you and I've compromised for you and I'm done

I have silenced for you and sacrificed for you and I'm done

 

It won't be long before I am reclaimed

It won't take long and I'll be on path again

It won't be easy for us to disengage

I'm at the end of self deprivation stage

 

You're afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings

You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything

 

A million times and a million ways I've tried to alter to match you

Several times every several days I've tried to uncrush on you

 

3 Sorry to myself

 

For hearing all my doubts so selectively

For continuing my numbing relentlessly

For helping you and myself not even considering

For beating myself up and over-functioning

 

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?

No one's been crueler than I've been to me

 

For letting you decide if I indeed was desirable

For my self-love being so embarrassingly conditional

For denying myself to somehow make us compatible

For trying to fit a rectangle into a hole

 

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?

No one's been crueler than I've been to me

 

I'm sorry to myself

My apologies begin here before everybody else

I'm sorry to myself

For treating me worse than I would anybody else

 

For blaming myself for your unhappiness

For my impatience when I was perfect where I was

For ignoring all the signs that I was not ready

For expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be

 

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?

No one's been crueler than I've been to me

 

I'm sorry to myself

My apologies begin here before everybody else

I'm sorry to myself

For treating me worse than I would anybody else

 

When I wonder which crime is the biggest

Forgetting you or forgetting myself

Had I heeded the wisdom of the latter

I would have naturally loved the former

 

For ignoring you my highest voices

For smiling when my strife was all too obvious

For being so disassociated from my body

For not letting go when it would have been the kindest thing

 

To whom do I owe the biggest apology?

No one's been crueler than I've been to me

 

I'm sorry to myself

My apologies begin here before everybody else

I'm sorry to myself

For treating me worse than I would anybody else

I'm sorry to myself

My apologies begin here before everybody else

I'm sorry to myself

For treating me worse than I would anybody else

 

4 Sister blister

 

 

You and me we're cut from the same cloth

It seems to some we famously get along

But you and me are strangers to each other

Cuz you and me: competitive to the bone

 

Such tragedy to trample on each other with how much we've endured

With the state this land is in

 

You and me feel joined only by gender

We are not all for one and one for all

 

Sister blister we fight to please the brothers

We think their acceptance is how we win

They're happy we're climbing over each other

To beg the club of boys to let us in

 

You and me estranged from the mother

You and me have felt impotent in our skin

You and me have taken it out on each other

You and me disloyal to the feminine

 

Such a pity to disavow each other with how far we've come

With how strong we've been

 

You and me are on this pendulum together

You and me with scarcity still fueling

 

Sister blister we fight to please the brothers

We think their acceptance is how we win

They're happy we're climbing over each other

To beg the club of boys to let us in

 

We may not have priorities same

We may not even like each other

We may not be hugely anti-men

But such a cost to dishonor a sister

 

You and me have made it harder for the other

We forget how hard separatism has been

You and me we can help change their minds together

You and me in alignment until the end

 

Sister blister we fight to please the brothers

We think their acceptance is how we win

They're happy we're climbing over each other

To beg the club of boys to let us in

 

5 Offer

 

Who, who am I to be blue?

Look at my family and fortune

Look at my friends and my house

 

Who, who am I to feel dead and

who am I to feel spent?

Look at my health and my money

 

And where, where do I go to feel good?

Why do I still look outside me?

When clearly I've seen it won't work

 

Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable?

Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire

My generosity has me disabled

But this my sense of duty to offer

 

And why, why do I feel so ungrateful?

Me who is far beyond survival

Me who's seen life as an oyster

 

Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable?

Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire

My generosity has me disabled

But this my sense of duty to offer

 

And how, how dare do i rest on my laurels

how dare I ignore an outstretched hand?

How dare I ignore a third world country

 

Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable?

Is it my job to be selfless extraordinaire

My generosity has me disabled

But this my sense of duty to offer

 

Who, who am I to be blue?

 

6 Unprodigal daughter

 

I had disengaged to avoid being totaled

I would run away and say good riddance soon enough

I had grown disgusted by your small-minded ceiling

To imagine myself bolting had not been difficult

 

Soon be my life

Soon be my pace

Soon be my choice of which you'll have no part of

 

Unprodigal daughter and I'm heading for the west

Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough

Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last

I'd invite you but I'm busy being unoppressed

 

I hit the ground running although I know not what toward

I hit the town reeling forgetting all that came before

I felt primed and ready once surrounded by the palms

I felt culture shocked but dissuaded I was not

 

This is my town

This is my voice

This is my taste of which you’ve had no part of

 

Unprodigal daughter and I’m headed for the west

Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough

Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last

I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

 

One day I’ll saddle back and speak of foreign adventures

One day I’ll double back and tell you about these unfettered years

One day I’ll look back and feel something other than relieved

Glad that I left when I did before 'no dear you can’t' got the best of me

 

I'd speak of artistry you would roll your eye skyward

When I'd speak of spirituality you would label it absurd

When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head

If I had stayed much longer I’d have surely imploded

 

These are my words

This is my house

These are my friends of which you’ve had no part of

 

Unprodigal daughter and I’m headed for the west

Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough

Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last

I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

 

7 Simple together

You've been my golden best friend

And now with post-demise at hand

I can't go to you for consolation

Cuz we're off limits during this transition

 

This grief overwhelms me

It burns in my stomach

And I can't stop bumping into things

 

I thought we'd be simple together

I thought we'd be happy together

Thought we'd be limitless together

I thought we'd be precious together

But I was sadly mistaken

 

You've been my soulmate and then some

I remembered you the moment I met you

With you I knew God'face was handsome

With you I saw fun and expansion

 

This loss is numbing me it pierces my chest

And I can't stop dropping everything

 

I thought we'd be sexy together

Thought we'd be evolving together

I thought we'd have children together

I thought we'd be family together

But I was sadly mistaken

 

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared

If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented

If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air

My wealth would render this no less severe

 

I thought we'd be genius together

I thought we'd be healing together

I thought we'd be growing together

Thought we'd be adventurous together

But I was sadly mistaken

 

Thought we'd be exploring together

Thought we'd be inspired together

I thought we'd be flying together

Thought we'd be on fire together

But I was sadly mistaken

 

8 Purgatorying

 

 

Entertain me for the tenth hour in a row again

Anesthetize me with your gossip and any random anecdotes and

Fill every hour with activity or ear candy

Drop me off at intersections in any city metropolitan

 And keep me in this state

And keep me purgatorying

And sing me back to sleep

This is far more than I had bargained for

 

Start every week with a break neck urgent design

And end every speed day with my briefcase representing free time

Spending my fruit as my purchases become my lifeline

Please give my love to my family

I'll doubtfully be home at Christmas time 

Don't disturb me in this state

Please leave me purgatorying

I'll be damned if I'm to wake

This is far more than I'm equipped for

 

I've held you up like a deity

Like you're the sole owner of wings

This unrequired tunnel vision

And I wonder why I've not been writing

Please keep me in this state

Please keep me purgatorying

Please rock me back to sleep

This love is more than I had bargained for

I'll be damned if I'm to wake

This is far more than I'm equipped for