Under Rug Swept

21 things I want in a lover - Narcissus - Hands clean - Flinch - So unsexy -

Precious illusions - That particular time - A man - You owe me nothing in return

- Surrendering - Utopia

 

1 21 things I want in a lover

 

do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?

do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?

do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not

equate wisdom?

do you see everything as an illusion? but enjoy it even though you are not of it?

are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware? and don't believe in capital

punishment?

 

these are 21 things that I want in a lover

not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

 

do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like

freedom?

are you funny? à la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed

opinions?

 

these are 21 things that I want in a lover

not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter

these are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

 

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever

I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo

there are no worries and certainly no pressure

in the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow

 

are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week? up for being experimental?

are you athletic? are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?

 

...curious and communicative...

 

2 Narcissus

 

Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother

I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her

And every woman graced with your presence after

Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything

I know you've never really taken responsibility

I know you've never really listened to a woman

 

Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution

Or seeing both sides of every equation

Or having an uninterrupted conversation

 

And any talk of healthiness

And any talk of connectedness

And any talk of resolving this

Leaves you running for the door

 

(why why do I try to love you

Try to love you when you really don't want me

To)

 

Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence

You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes

You'd never understand anyone showing resistance

Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily

A stranger to the concept of reciprocity

People honor boys like you in this society

 

And any talk of selflessness

And any talk of working at this

And any talk of being of service

Leaves you running for the door

 

(why why do I try to help you try to help you

When you really don't want me to)

 

You go back to the women who will dance the dance

You go back to your friends who will lick your ass

You go back to ignoring all the rest of us

You go back to the center of your universe

 

Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you

I've never lasted very long with someone like you

I never did although I have to admit I wanted to

Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit

You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it

I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it

 

And any talk of willingness

And any talk of both feet in

And any talk of commitment

Leaves you running for the door

 

(why why do I try to change you try to

Try to change you when you really don't

Want me to)

 

You go back to the women who will dance the dance

You go back to your friends who will lick your ass

You go back to being so oblivious

You go back to the center of the universe

 

3 Hands clean

 

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened

If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself

If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and

If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

 

Ooh this could be messy

But you don't seem to mind

Ooh don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime

 

We'll fast forward to a few years later

And no one knows except the both of us

And I have honored your request for silence

And you've washed your hands clean of this

 

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me

You're kind of my protégé and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me

I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian

I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

 

Ooh this could get messy

But you don't seem to mind

Ooh don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime

 

We'll fast forward to a few years later

And no one knows except the both of us

And I have honored your request for silence

And you've washed your hands clean of this

 

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?

what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?

what with this distance it seems so obvious?

 

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family

We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse

I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly

I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

 

Ooh this could be messy and

Ooh I don't seem to mind

Ooh don't go telling everybody

And overlook this supposed crime

 

4 Flinch

 

 

What's it been over a decade?

It still smarts like it was four minutes ago

We only influenced each other totally

We only bruised each other even more so

 

What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood

What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad

 

How long can a girl be shackled to you

How long before my dignity is reclaimed

How long can a girl stay haunted by you

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

 

Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city

My brother saw you somewhere downtown

I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you

My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

 

What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god

What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin

 

How long can a girl be tortured by you?

How long before my dignity is reclaimed

And how long can a girl be haunted by you

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

 

So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing

A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in

This man knows not of how this information has affected me

But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

 

What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin

What are you my air? You affect me like you are my air

 

5 So unsexy

 

 

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly

One small sideways look and I feel so ungood

Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make

Me feel the way I thought only my father could

 

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me

One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked

How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily

I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

 

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful

So unloved for someone so fine

I can feel so boring for someone so interesting

So ignorant for someone of sound mind

 

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me

One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated

Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me

Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

 

When will you stop leaving baby?

When will I stop deserting baby?

When will I start staying with myself?

 

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me

I jump my ship as I take it personally

Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly

The moment I decide not to abandon me

 

6 Precious illusions

 

 

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..

I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

 

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin

I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

 

but this won't work now the way it once did

and I won't keep it up even though I would love to

once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am

but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

 

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless

and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

 

this ring will me yet as will you knight in shining armor

this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

 

but this won't work as well as the way it once did

cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss

and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am

but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

 

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid

and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

 

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me

I've spent so much time living in survival mode

 

7 That particular time

 

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish

my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots

at that particular time love had challenged me to stay

at that particular moment I knew not run away again

that particular month I was ready to investigate with you

at that particular time

 

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated

we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding

at that particular time love encouraged me to wait

at that particular moment it helped me to be patient

that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

 

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself

and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell

and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt

and in the meantime I lost myself

in the meantime I lost myself

I'm sorry I lost myself….i am

 

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction

you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted

at that particular love encouraged me to leave

at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me

that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left

at that particular time

 

8 A man

 

I am a man as a man I've been told

Bacon is brought to the house in this mold

Born of your bellies I yearn for the cord

Years I have groveled repentance ignored

 

And I have been blamed

And I have repented

I'm working my way toward our union mended

 

I am man who has grown from a son

Been crucified by enraged women

I am son who was raised by such men

I'm often reminded of the fools I'm among

 

And I have been shamed

And I have relented

I'm working my way toward our union mended

And I have been shamed

And I have repented

I'm working my way toward our union mended

 

we don't fare well with endless reprimands

we don't do well with a life served as a sentence

this won't work well if you're hell bent on your offence

I am a man who understands your resistance

 

I am a man who still does what he can

to dispel our archaic reputation

I am a man who has heard all he can

cuz I don't fare well with endless punishment

 

Cuz I have been blamed and I have repented

I'm working my way toward our union mended

And we have been blamed and we have repented

I'm working my way toward our union mended

 

9 You owe me nothing in return

 

i'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance

if you want it

i will give you encouragement to choose the path that

you want if you need it

you can speak of anger and doubts; your fears and

freakouts and i'll hold it

you can share your so-called shame-filled accounts of

times in your life and i won't judge it

(and there are no strings attached to it)

 

you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give

you owe me nothing for carryng the weight that I have

i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege

and you owe me nothing in return

 

you can ask for space for yourself, and only yourself,

and i'll grant it

you can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and

you'll have it

you can ask to live by yourself or love someone else

and i'll support it

you can ask for anything you want, anything at all,and

i'll understand it

(and there are no strings attached to it)

 

you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give

you owe me nothing for carrying the weight that I have

i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege

and you owe me nothing in return

 

i bet you're wondering when the next payback shew will

eventually drop

i bet you're wondering when my conditional police

will force you to cough up

i bet you're wondering how far you have .......

your way back into debt

this is the only kind of love, as i understand it,

that there really is

 

you can express your deepest of truths, even if it

means i'll lose you and ill hear it

you can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss

and i'll empathise with

you can say that you'll have to skip town to chase

your passion and i'll hear it

you can leave and hit rock bottom have a mid-life

crisis and i'll hold it

(and there are no strings attached to it)

 

you owe me nothing for giving the love that i give

you owe me nothing for carrying the weight that I have

i give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege

and you owe me nothing in return

 

10 Surrendering

 

 

you were full and fully capable

you were self sufficient and needless

your house was fully decorated in that sense

 

you were taken with me to a point

a case of careful what you wish for

but what you knew was enough to begin

 

and so you called and courted fiercely

so you rached out, entirely fearless

and yet you knew of reservation and how it serves

 

and I salute you for your courage

and I applaud your perseverance

and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces

that I represent

 

so you were in but not entirely

you were up for this but not totally

you knew how arms length-ing can maintain doubt

 

and so you fell and you're intact

so you dove in and you're still breathing

so you jumped and you're still flying if not shocked

 

and I support you in your trusting

and I commend you for your wisdom

and I'm amazed by your surrender in the face of threatening forces

that I represent

 

you found creative ways to distance

you hid away from much through humor

your choice of armor was your intellect

 

and so you felt and you're still here

and so you died and you're still standing

and so you softened and you're still safely in command

 

self protection was in times of true danger

your best defense to mistrust and be wary

surrendering a feat of unequalled measure

and I'm thrilled to let you in

overjoyed to be let in in kind

 

11 Utopia

 

 

We'd gather around all in a room fasten our belts engage in dialogue

We'd all slow down rest without guilt not lie without fear disagree sans judgement

 

We would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and open and reach out and speak up

 

This is utopia, this is my utopia

This is my ideal, my end insight

Utopia this is my utopia

This is my nirvana

My ultimate

 

We'd open our arms we'd all jump in we'd all coast down into safety nets

 

We would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion

Not invest in outcomes we could breathe and be charmed and amused by difference be gentle and make room for every emotion

 

This is utopia, this is my utopia

This is my ideal, my end insight

Utopia this is my utopia

This is my nirvana

My ultimate

 

We'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all feel heard we'd all feel seen

 

We'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal be humbled

and be unstoppable we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which we'd

release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

 

This is utopia, this is my utopia

This is my ideal, my end insight

Utopia this is my utopia

This is my nirvana

My ultimate