Supposed former infatuation junkie

Front row - Baba - Thank U - Are you still mad - Sympathetic character -

That I would be good - The couch - Can't not - UR - I was hoping - One -

Would not come - Unsent - So pure - Joining you - Heart of the house -

Your congratulations

 

1 FRONT ROW

do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon writing a letter to you didn't make me feel any more peaceful than how I felt when we weren't speaking because I didn't cop to what I did. I can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries. i'd like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips. i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up i'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one one minute I want to banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along with my three favorite cd's ambivalent yet in your bed we've yet to acknowledge what really happened

slid into the ditch I have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons why we shouldn't be together I started by saying things like "you smoke" "you live in new jersey (too far)" you started saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have been easily refuted but the conversation was hypothetical I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut your stuff off..... i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up and I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot reciprocate in my current state I think we should be careful of how much time we spend together

.......for a while while i'm speaking you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some time alone fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn't always have to be about you i've been wanting your undivided attention I like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people have of your charmed life (seemingly)? i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up you never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not analysed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune

hey i'm not mad at you guardian i'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your jeckyl and hydeness i'm glad i figuratively slpped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh and said "come here let me clip your wings!"(i know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe anything) "raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back. (unfortunately you needed a health scare to reprioritize.) no thanks to the soap box. having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference...... i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up oh the things i've done for you many a sitch a friend a man's been left for you oh the books i've read for you the tongues i've bitten for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret)

 

2 BABA

i've seen them kneel

with baited breath for the ritual

i've watched this experience raise

them to pseudo higher levels

i've watched them leave their families

in pursuit of your nirvana

i've seen them coming to line up

from switzerland and america

 

how long will this take baba

how long have we been sleeping

do you see me hanging on to

every word you say

how soon will I be holy

how much will this cost guru

how much longer 'til you

completely absolve me

 

i've seen them give their drugs up

in place of makeshift altars

i've heard them chanting

kali kali frantically

i've heard them rotely repeat your

teachings with elitism

i've seen them boastings robes and

foreign sandalwood beads

i've seen them overlooking god in

their own essence

i've seen their upward glances

in hopes of instant salvation

i've seen their righteousness

mixed without loving compassion

i've watched you smile as

the students bow to kiss your feet

 

give me strength all knowing one

how long 'til enlightenment

how much longer 'til you

completely absolve me

 

3 THANK YOU

how 'bout getting off of these antibiotics

how 'bout stopping eating when i'm full up

how 'bout them transparent dangling carrots

how 'bout that ever elusive kudo

 

thank you india

thank you terror

thank you disillusionment

thank you frailty

thank you consequence

thank you thank you silence

 

how 'bout me not blaming you for everything

how 'bout me enjoying the moment for once

how 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you

how 'bout grieving it all one at the time

 

thank you india

thank you terror

thank you disillusionment

thank you frailty

thank you consequence

thank you thank you silence

 

the moment I let go of it was the moment

I got more than I could handle

the moment I jumped off of it

was the moment I touched down

 

how 'bout no longer being masochistic

how 'bout remembering your divinity

how 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out

how 'bout not equating death with stopping

 

thank you india

thank you providence

thank you disillusionment

thank you nothingness

thank you clarity

thank you thank you silence

 

4 ARE YOU STILL MAD

are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?

are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?

are you still mad I compared you to all

my forty year old male friends?

are you still mad I shared our problems

with everybody?

 

are you still mad I had an emotional affair?

are you still mad I tried to mold you into

who I wanted you to be?

are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?

of course you are

of course you are

 

are you still mad that I flirted wildly?

are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?

are you still mad that I had one foot out the door?

are you still mad that we slept together even after

we had ended it?

of course you are

of course you are

 

are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?

are you still mad that I seemed to focus

only on your potential?

are you still mad that I threw in the towel?

are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?

of course you are

of course you are

 

5 SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER

I was afraid you'd hit me if i'd spoken up I was afraid of your physical strength I was afraid you'd hit below the belt I was afraid of your sucker punch I was afraid of your reducing me I was afraid of your alcohol breath I was afraid of your complete disregard for me I was afraid of your temper I was afraid of handles being flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched into walls I was afraid of your testosterone

 

I have as much rage as you have

I have as much pain as you do

I've lived as much hell as you have

and I've kept mine bubbling under for you

 

you were my best friend

you were my lover

you were my mentor

you were my brother

you were my partner

you were my teacher

you were my very own sympathetic character

 

I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the calm before the storm I was afraid for my own bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of your punishment I was afraid of your icy silence I was afraid of your volume I was afraid of your manipulation I was afraid of your explosions

 

I have as much rage as you have

I have as much pain as you do

I've lived as much hell as you have

and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

 

chorus * chorus

you were my keeper

you were my anchor

you were my family

you were my saviour

and therein lay the issue

and therein lay the problem

 

6 THAT I WOULD BE GOOD

that I would be good even if I did nothing

that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down

that I would be good if I got and stayed sick

that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

 

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt

that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth

that I would be great if I was no longer queen

that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

 

that I would be loved even when I numb myself

that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed

that I would be loved even when I was fuming

that I would be good even if I was clingy

 

that I would be good even if I lost sanity

that I would be good

whether with or without you

 

7 THE COUCH

you hadn't seen your father in such a long time

he died in the arms of his lover how dare he

your mother never left the house

she never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her

 

you reminded her so much of your father

so you were banished and you wonder why you're so hypersensitive

and why you can't trust anyone but us

but then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water

she was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me

 

I don't know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years

I have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring

who are you younger generation to tell me that I have unresolved problems

not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour

 

how can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn

I feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were

it was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways

we went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood

 

I walked into his office I felt so self-conscious on the couch

he was sitting down across from me he was writing down his hypothesis I don't know

I've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get

you say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?

 

just the other day my sweet daughter I was driving past 203 I walked up the stairs in my mind's eye

I remember how they would creak loudly

she was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo

I was only trying to be the best big brother I could

 

i've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide

sometimes indignant sometimes raw

can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes

it feels like highway robbery

and sometimes it's peanuts

I wish it could last a couple more hours

 

so here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)

you see in getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you're not relinquishing your majestry

you are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big

and I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life

 

8 CAN'T NOT

i'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed

I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation

would I be letting you win in my non reaction?

how would I explain?

how would I explain this to my children if I had them?

because I can't not

because I can't not

because I can't afford to be misread one more time

would I be whining if I said I needed a hug?

would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?

how can I complain?

how can I complain when i'm the one who reaches for it?

because I can't not

because I can't not

because I cannot walk without my crutches

because I can't not

because I can't not

because I can't help wonder why you ask me

to all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard

you think you're the right ones

you think you're the charmed ones i'm sure

how can you go on with such conviction?

and who do you think you are why do you question me?

because we can't not

because we can't not

because we can't help laugh at underestimation

because we can't not

because we can't not

because we can't afford to be misled one more time

because we can't not

because we can't not

because we cannot help without your willingness

why do you affect me?why do you affect me still?

why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?

why do you unnerve me? why do you unnerve me still?

why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?

 

9 UR

burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses

all this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me

if someone broke into my house

suits in the living room

do you realize guys I was born in 1974

we've got someone here to explain your publishing

we know how much you love to be in front of audiences

hopeful you are

schoolbound you are

naive you are

driven you are

take a trip to new york with your guardian

and your fake identification

when they said "is there something anything

you'd like to know young lady?"

you said "yes i'd like to know what kind of people

i'll be dealing with?"

precocious you are

headstrong you are

terrified you are

ahead of your time you are

don't mind our staring but

we 're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum

we're surprised you didn't crack up

lord knows that we would've

we would've liked to have been there

but you keep pushing us away

resilient you are

big time you are

ruthless you are

precious you are

 

10 I WAS HOPING

as we were talking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter my wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone but I need to talk to somebody you say "wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes before I died i'd be filled with such regret before I took my last breath" and I said "you're willing to tell me this now and you're not going to die any time soon" and I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain and yes you're still a fine woman and I cringed

I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each other

I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together

we left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you for your business sir you're successful and established sir and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir and your money" and when I walked by they said "thank you too dear" I was all pigtails and cords and there was a day when I would've said something like "hey dude I could buy and sell this place so kiss it" I too once thought I was owed something

I was hoping I was hoping we could challenge each other

I was hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up

I too thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow I too once thought life was cruel it's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you I think you're insensitive and I don't feel heard and I said do you believe we are fundamentally judgemental? fundamentally evil? and you said yes I said I don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said "well what about the man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid and she threw a shoe at his head. I think what he did was wrong and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"

I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged

I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together

I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together

 

11 ONE

 

I am the biggest hypocrite

I've been undeniably jealous

I have been loud and pretentious

I have been utterly threatened

I've gotten candy for my self-interest

the sexy treadmill capitalist

heaven forbid I be criticized

heaven forbid I be ignored

 

I have abused my power forgive me

you mean we actually are all one

one one one one one one one

I've been out of reach and separatist

heaven forbid average (whatever average means)

I have compensated for my days

of powerlessness

 

I have abused my so-called power forgive me

you mean we actually are all one

one one one one one one one

 

did you just call her amazing?

surely we both can't be amazing!

and give up my hard earned status

as fabulous freak of nature?

 

I have abused my power forgive me

you mean we actually are all one

one one one one one one one

always looked good on paper

sounded good in theory

 

12 WOULD NOT COME

if I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to

if I am hardened no fear of further abandonment

if I am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin

if I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect

i would throw a party still it would not come

i would bike run swim and still it would not come

i'd go travelling and still it would not come

I would starve myself and still it would not come

if I'm masculine I will be taken more seriously

if I take a break it would make me irresponsible

if i'm elusive I will surely be sought after often

if I need assistance then I must be incapable

i'd be filthy rich and still

it would not come

I would seduce them and still

it would not come

I would drink vodka and still

it would not come

i'd have an orgasm still

it would not come

if I accumulate knowledge

i'll be inpenetrable

if I am aloof no one will know

when they strike a nerve

if I keep my mouth shut the boat

will not have to be rocked

if I am vulnerable I will be

trampled upon

i would go shopping and still

it would not come

i'd leave the country and still

it would not come

i would scream and rebel still

it would not come

i would stuff my face and still

it would not come

i'd be productive and still it would not come

i'd be celebrated still it would not come

i'd be the hero and still it would not come

i'd renunciate and still it would not come

 

13 UNSENT

dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song

dear jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday

dear terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me

dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriouly thinking about spirituality abd you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel relax and looked out for around you though and tnat stopped us from going any further than we did and it(s kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun

dear lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts

 

14 SO PURE

you from new york you are so relevant

you reduce me to cosmic tears

luminous more so than most anyone

unapologetically alive knot in my stomach

and lump in my throat

I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance

so pure such an expression

supposed former infatuation junkie

I sink three pointers and you wax poetically

I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance

so pure such an expression

let's grease the wheel over tea

let's discuss things in confidence

let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous

let's solve the world's problems

I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance

so pure such an expression

 

15 JOINING YOU

dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth and yes they're in shock they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama you this embarrassment us in the middle of this delution

if we were our bodies

if we were our futures

if we were our defenses i'd be joining you

if we were our culture

if we were our leaders

if we were our denials i'd be joining you

I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense you were uncomfortable in you own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful

if we were our nametags

if we were our rejections

if we were our outcomes i'd be joining you

if we were our indignities

if we were our successes

if we were our emotions i'd be joining you

you and I we're like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive and question mightly and find god my tortured beacon we need to find like-minded companions

if we were thier condemnations

if we were their projections

if we were our paranoias i'd be joning you

if we were or incomes

if we were our obsessions

if we were our afflictions i'd be joining you

we need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more often

 

16 HEART OF THE HOUSE

you are the original template

you are the original exemplary

how seen were you actually?

how revered were you (honestly) at the time?

why pleased with your low maintenance?

you loved us more than we could've loved you back

where was your ally your partner in feminine crime?

oh mother who's your buddy?

oh mother who's got your back?

the heart of the house

the heart of the house

all hail the goddess

you were "good ol'"

you were "count on 'er 'till four am"

you saw me run from the house

in the snow melodramatically

oh mother who's your sister?

oh mother who's your friend?

the heart of the house

the heart of the house

ll hail the goddess!

we left the men and we went for a wlk in the gatineaus

and talked like women like women to women would

womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from?

must've been your father your dad"

I got it from you I got it from you

do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?

in my fits of laughter?

in my tinkerbell tendencies?

in my lack of colour coordination?

 

17 YOUR CONGRATULATIONS

I would'nt have compromised as much

so much of myself for fear of

having you hating me

I would've sung so loudly

it would've cracked myself!

I became self-conscious

of anything exuberant

I wouldn't have sold myself short

I wouldn't have kept my eyes

glued to the ground

if I had've known my invisibility

would not make a difference

I would've run around screaming proudly

at the top of my voice

I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck

I'm talking idealism here

I would not have been so self deprecating

Iwouldn't have cowered

for fear of having my eyes scratched out!

I wouldn't have cut my comfort off

I wouldn't have feigned needlesness

I would not have discredited

every one of their compliments

it was your approval I wanted

your congratulations

 

Alanis Morissette : all vocals, harmonica, flute, piano

Chris Chaney : bass

Nick Lashley : guitar

Gary Novak : drums and percussion

Joel Shearer : guitar

Benmont Tench : organ & chamberlin

Glen Ballard : guitar, piano, synthesizers & programming

words by alanis morissette

music by alanis morissette and glen ballard except songs 4,6,16 and 17 word and music by alanis morissette

produced by Glen Ballard and Alanis Morissette

mixed by Christopher R. Fogel

recorded by Christopher R. Fogel, Glen Ballard

String arrangements on "Are You Still Mad" by David Campbell; String arangements on "That I Will Be Good", "Your Congratulations" & "Heart of the House" by Glen Ballard; Technical support & programming : Shad T. Scott and Christopher Fogel; loop on "Sympathetic Character" : Dash Mihok; Recorded at Royaltone Studios, Los Angeles : Second Engineer : Roger Sommers; additional recording : Scott Campbell; production coordinator : Jolie Levine; studio support : Rachel Cleverley; drum doctor : Ross Garfield; gear LAFX; Mastered by Chris Bellman@Grundman Mastering; c 1995,1998 MCA Music Publishing, a division of Universals Studios, Inc./1974 Music/ Aerostation Corporation (ASCAP) Management : Scott Welch at Atlas/Third Rail Entertainment Art Direction : Kevin Reagan, Design : Kevin Reagan/ Stefan G. Bucher, Photography by Michele Laurita, Regina Thomas, Heather Stanley, Dash Mihok, Alanis Morissette

thank you muchly to : glen ballard, scott welch, everyone at maverick, warner music international and warner records around the world, john alexander, fred goldring, patricia fuenzalida, mihaela evans, heather stanley, dash mihok, j. murphy, tim thorney and my family, love you.

thank you to everyone reading this (and everyone not reading this)

 

Thank you - So pure

 

Alanis - Jagged little pill - Jagged little pill, live - MTV Unplugged - Biographie - Faits - Expressions - Récompenses - Unreleased songs - Discographie